Copyrighted & Layout by © Lynn Li 2013
Friday, December 19, 2014 . 10:16 AM
Little do you know

Little do you know
How I'm breaking while you fall asleep
Little do you know
I'm still haunted by the memories 
Little do you know
I'm trying to pick myself up piece by piece 

Little do you know 
I need a little more time 

Underneath it all I'm held captive by the hole inside
I'm ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight

- alex & sierra

* * *

It's been four months. The pain subsided. You don't matter to me anymore. But I know, at the corner of my heart - is where you still stay. Little things trigger that vulnerable spot - a picture of you, us, an occasion that reminds me of our better days, a coffee place where we sat together, our travel diaries, a familiar scent... 

But..

I'm ready to let you go, my sweet nothing.
I will let you go.
And I'll walk down the road alone with a brave heart - nothing is gonna hurt me no more.


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Saturday, November 1, 2014 . 7:11 PM

Dear me,

You loved him with a passion that consumed you. When he left, the void that you felt was too deep. Too dark. Facing an eternity without your soulmate, you went off to deep end. You turned into someone that you weren't. 

I want you to rediscover yourself in the absence of the one who defined you. If you felt hope for the future at all, then you're already better off. You've been given a chance to start over. I want you to take it. I want you to be happy. 

x.


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Monday, November 11, 2013 . 11:03 PM
SIEL spelled backwards

How do you get over a lie? How would you compel yourselves to start believing in someone back again? When what they did just kills the trust you had for them?

Is it easy?
No. I can't get over that a lie had made over and over to cover the shits that is done. What do you do when you've already known the truth and they LIED to your face.

I've given a chance to let you tell me the truth, I hoped that you did. Because then I wouldn't have to go through this elevated insecurities that's burdening me now. 


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Tuesday, November 5, 2013 . 9:44 PM
Today, I am happy

I tend to blog whenever I'm feeling at my lowest, when I had no one to turn to, and all I have inside needs to burst out overflowing onto this little solitary blog. 

I'm sorry that my shadows have only a melancholic read but I'm not that of an emotional person who doesn't see the bright lights, rainbows, and unicorns.

I do come to notice that he's changed to be slightly more affectionate lately and he tend to give me more attention. Conversations may be slightly longer and chattier, less pauses during phone calls, etc. Maybe he's finally putting some actions to my rants... I really thought he stopped trying :')
I like the sweeter you now! 

Love you always. 


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Tuesday, October 29, 2013 . 5:31 PM
Bite the dust

Sometimes we let our anger take control of our emotions and reactions and then all that happens is disappointment and rage, hatreds and regrets. 

I let it take over my emotions too much. I never thought about the consequences, how the other party might feel, I was too absorbed with my own thoughts and feelings, I never bothered to question the root of the cause. I lashed out whenever I want to, I expect him to comfort me, without questioning if he deserved it? 

Relationship problems. Being too comfortable with your partner might cause this. Cause you're comfortable enough to show your anger to him. 

Learning how to think rationally before reacting might be a struggle - we don't always pause to think, do we? - but I will do it for us. 


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Monday, October 28, 2013 . 12:01 AM
Here's a piece

I'll give you my all, I'll give you my trust. Don't break it again.

I'm glad I made it through these 2 heart-wrecking nights, because I know we're much more than that. And that we'll always love each other.


...after a big big hug & make up.



We'll be alright
<3


* * *

Been awake since 7am and 5am consecutively the past two nights.
Insomnia is a bitch. A mind filled with endless worries and thoughts is THE scumbag of the year.
I should get sleep now.

Goodnight my shadow people.


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Sunday, October 27, 2013 . 5:53 PM
True love never dies

I dreamt a dream that was everything about what my heart desired. I felt loved, i had everything close to me, I had you by my side. I didn't want to wake up from that heaven. However, knowing that I do have my heaven in reality made me smile. It's still a dream in reality. I still have you.. closest to my heart.

Am I only seeing things I want to see?
Am I only hearing things I want to hear?
How about those other things I shut out? Are they negativities telling me that I'm wrong?
Am I living a lie?

Most of the time I ponder, if you do keep me closest to your heart as well? And pondering is all I can do. Love changes people. Love changed us. Are you still living in our change or have you fallen back to how you once were? 

Baby, I wish I could say all this to you without you shutting me out, without you putting your ego so high up, without you always defending. Let me in. You build your walls so strong, I'm too weak to break it down. I'm weak when you chose to only listen to yourself.
I don't deny that I'm no different. I have trust issues, I get angry easily, I have expectations, and I like things to go my way. I know it, and I'm willing to accept it and change.

Baby, if only you could listen and take in what I say, put yourself in my shoes, why am I feeling that way... It will make sense. I'm not being unreasonable and I'm not getting angry at things for no damn reason. If only you really hear me out, feel my emotions.. and not defending yourself all the time. Baby you can't get angry at me when you made a mistake and there's something solid that I can get angry about. Take your ego down, it's always your ego talking to me...where are you?

I wish that I'm a stronger person. I break down too easily whenever we argue, whenever something comes in the way, whenever I'm insecured. Have you ever thought about making me feel secured? You said you'll give it a think, but you've have not put action to it, and I'm left here STILL feeling insecured as ever, and with the cover-ups and lies that are going on now.... I'm not feeling any better at all.

I'm going through this confusion because I care about you genuinely, and I want us to be whole for a long long time. I feel hurt when I dont get that vibe from you...that you don't seem to be trying to keep our relationship together. Correct me if I'm wrong. I just.. can't see it. I hope I'm wrong.
I hope that I'm just expecting too much..

I'm always giving myself reasons to believe, justify reasons to myself when I feel disappointed. Am I lying to myself once again? I do try to be a better person to you, I do try to console myself when I'm feeling down even when you don't... 
I tried telling you ways to make me feel more loved... I guess you've brushed it to the corner.
Have you given up on us?
Have you stopped trying?


If so, I'd wish to stay asleep to relive that dream where you could still make me smile
I wish to stop these tears from falling .. 
I don't want to say goodbye...


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Thursday, October 24, 2013 . 11:38 PM
It slowly turned you let me burn...

10 months passed, slowly-swiftly it became October. I kinda like this quiet blog, where no one knows, no one judges, no one labels.

My shadow people. We could remain untouched - unplugged - unseen while still feeling your presence.

* * *

Funny how when people that you dont know-never heard of-never spoken to, knows who you are just by how others describe you to be.
Judgements.
Not very nice when they are not discreet while talking about you.
More Assumptions.

* * *

Happy 9th monthsary to us. We're as old as a newborn!



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Saturday, September 21, 2013 . 11:09 PM
Mad hatter

Hormones.

Makes the whole world twisted, causes unnecessary / useless / worthless arguments, drives me emotionally crazy - maybe even cognitively unwired
I can't help it! I'm feeling a whole lot more angry & insecured. All emotions are heightened, little things get to me, little changes he does makes me think that something's wrong - what did I do? why? WHY?

Maybe I should take substitution pills.
..or stay crayyyy like dizz.


Ps/ Changed blog header image again. Doesn't look so crazy huh?


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Friday, August 2, 2013 . 12:12 AM
Words come easy

Full of angst writing this, I can't even ...
Too much fire in my heart, waiting to let out but I still need to keep it in, because the time is not right.

What is fairness? Bullshit. There's no such definition needed because obviously no one practices it and no one has it distilled in them. People are selfish. They care bout their own feelings and they come first in their lives. Who would care about a stranger who needs a hand when you've had a whole lot of other problems in your head?

Why would he bother to notice the little things I've put aside for him? Cuz obviously a GAME is much more important than every other physical being RIGHT BESIDE HIM. Why would he bother that I've swallowed in so much indigestible feelings during a certain fight when he has SO DAMN MUCH feelings to voice out during another fight?

How's that fair?
BECAUSE NOTHING IS FAIR HAH, TAKE THAT PINCH OF SALT ON YOUR WOUND, LYNN.

I'm a hater in my own world. Welcome to my life.


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Wednesday, June 26, 2013 . 1:09 AM
Toxicated.

So this is it. 

We've made our points, drawn a line, reached the very ends of our tipping points. 

I've a heavy storm in my chest. And it's difficult to find a room for me to breathe. Am I in denial? 
This is the end of us, our story, our fears.... Our love. 

I'm out of tears to cry for you.. It shouldn't be this hard. Why does it have to end like this? :(


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Tuesday, June 25, 2013 . 10:16 PM
Endless compromise

Never thought its this soon that we realize that there's bigger differences between us and that we're only at the very edge of falling apart.

I pondered if you ever wanted us to be together for a long time, or did you see us as only being very much infatuated. 

I couldn't compromise in a lot of issues, I held my feelings inside so much so that it hurts to go against my will. I did it for you. 
Some may say that I'm being stupid to let you control a part of me, it is something I'm willing to let you have. 

Today, I felt that our differences are getting bigger and it breaks my heart to admit that it would be something that will break us for good. 

I've never hated someone I love this much.
Thanks for making me feel like shit today.


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Tuesday, April 9, 2013 . 3:39 PM
Hearts a flutter

We all love the moment when we are eager for something to happen and when it did, our hearts flutter and skipped a beat.

Sometimes, a perfect moment happens when you least expect it.

In this case, Us happened.
<3





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Wednesday, February 27, 2013 . 2:54 PM
Happy Valentines Day


First Valentines Day with you
I've never felt so loved and in love.








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. 2:43 PM
Ohayo!



First family event with you
@ cousin's wedding




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Tuesday, February 19, 2013 . 11:23 PM
Truly, Madly, Deeply

Hello strange world

I've lost my blogging mojo for awhile now, and I'm guessing this blog is resting in peace. Anyhoo, I felt like inking something down.

2013, why hello.
I had lost my directions to find that I'm heading no where, I had lost my mind to find that I'm slightly less than sane, I had lost my emotions to find that I was insensitive all along.
I do not feel hurt nor torn apart ... I was ... numb.

I've never felt at my prime for a long long time. I'm feeling it this year.
..There's something about you..



I'm anything but expressive. But I'm trying.

We build walls to protect ourselves from being hurt, to guard ourselves, and it wasn't that easy to even build it. Is it worth to tear it back down? To give our trust to someone..fearing that they might hurt us without a barrier?

I've never been so in love. Too much I'm letting my guard down to fall in love.
TBH..I've let my guard down to fall in love. I've let you in my heart. I feel small and vulnerable and I hope I'll always have your arms around me, to be with me,.. be mine.

I love you,
..So much that it's hurting, whenever we have our disagreements.
Please bear with me. I am not perfect, I have a whole lot of flaws that you may or may not accept. But do know I'm trying to compromise and to learn to accept & listen.. and to develop emotional growth with you. Do know that I meant it whenever I said I'm sorry, and I will change for the better and will be sensitive to your feelings.

I'll never walk in front or behind you, but alongside you.



:)




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Friday, December 7, 2012 . 1:39 AM


Quoted

People say I've changed so much.
Well, here's the truth. I grew up.
I stopped letting people push me around all the time.
I learnt that you can't always be happy.
I accepted reality.


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Saturday, November 24, 2012 . 9:51 PM
Paths

It's all about whether I want a change or to choose a safe road home.
Dilemma.


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Friday, November 23, 2012 . 3:08 PM
Yes no maybe

On a random mood, I decided to read my own blog and realized how awesome I sounded (-_-). But now I think I've lost it, so ima give it a shot and see. 

Days are dull and boring ever since I started work (child behavioral therapist for autism children). I love my job but I get so tired and burnt out by the end of the day so I'd switch on my antisocial mode and stay in. Time is rolling on a fast pace and every paycheck doesn't seem very far away. Friends, however, distant slowly away. 

...I'm much more of a procrastinator these days...I'll finish this post up later ..

***

Ok back.
Let's talk about dependence.

That's when you rely on someone too much till you forget that you live independent lives as two individuals. Not one.

Now here's a type B:

The passive dependent (self-termed)

Passive dependents are when theyre not extremely clingy but only finds you whenever they're needy and totally ATTENTION DEPRIVED (in most cases they're always needy)
Here's what pisses me off. You can't go making obvious pity statements for people to vomit out the million dollar question, "Are you okay?" or "What happened?"

It's like suicidal to ask them because once you do, its like a big fat green light for them to start telling you their 'pitiful' stories. I AM a listener. But if you want to do self-pity, kthxbye.
Well, I never ever will ask those questions, and i'm quite an avoidance champ. Fuck you, I'm not giving you the attention you're trying to get by self-pity tactics. It's pathetic.

I'm not being harsh. I just want people to realize and be realistic. We may not be strong physically but we can all be emotionally strong. Thanks to my past, I hope it had made me a much stronger person.

My cat is yelling for attention now. Ima go stroke her fur. Kthxbye












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Tuesday, November 13, 2012 . 1:41 PM
:)

I've got butterflies in my tummy I can't even...


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Friday, May 11, 2012 . 1:22 AM
Asdasd

Ran around going to education advisers on furthering my studies to a Masters program. Typically, the top choice is Australia, because I can't find any nearby education advisers on USA.
Tuition fees alone averagely cost around AUD$28-30k per annum. Registration for the Australian Psychological Qualification costs AUD$620. This is compulsory to enter any psychology tertiary program in Australia. Sigh, studying health/medical/social sciences is not just expensive, but also so mafan!

On an opposing note, I'm madly in with this bag!



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Thursday, May 10, 2012 . 2:09 PM
:)


Love this picture of mommy with our two dogs; Whiskey (left) and Munny (right)
She's all in make-up because this was right after we came home after shooting a self-portrait at a studio.
Aren't they adorable? <3


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. 3:31 AM
New Blogskin!

Was too free, so i designed a new blogskin in 2.5 hours.
What do you think? Which looks better? 

Before
After

You'd prolly think the new one is like a piece of junk
...well.. it's something that I spontaneously put together and what I like the most is the colours.

Cheers & Goodnight!
x


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. 12:55 AM
Hello!


Hello again fellow readers! 
(if this blog has any)

I missed blogging, really! Read back some of the old posts and wondered where did I find those free time to type away some crappy stories despite having assignments and in-process of completing my degree.
Yeah, miss being a student. ALOT.

So, right now, I'M JOBLESS! 
(insert emo emoticon here)
Not that I'm really sad about that, just being over-dramatic. Because life's been good. My only hope is to travel abit before heading off to continue with Masters in Clinical Psychology (made up my mind for that!).

Apart for lazing around being awesome (i'm kidding), really.. there's nothing else much. My life revolves around HOME - SLEEP - HANGING OUT IN MALLS - BEING AWESOME (again, I'm kidding).

So you might have an impression that I'm a lil narcissistic now .... I'm not ok.
Anyway it's getting late! Will update more frequently I promise!
xoxo


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Monday, March 26, 2012 . 1:47 AM
The stepping stones

5 years ago, I wondered how growing up was like. I dressed up in ways that make me feel older, wear heels, tried on make-up, and rebelled through ways to get into a nightclub.
It felt good.

5 years later, I feel time was running too fast, I don't wanna grow up. I find myself speaking sentences I can't comprehend, taking up interests only grown ups will, wearing earth-tone colours like my mom does. The bright neon colours and punk studded accessories begin to fade in another corner of my wardrobe.

Sometimes we rush to grow up too fast that we would someday regret that we did not live the teenage dreams that we once had enough. 

I miss having not to worry about what lies ahead of me - which degree to take, what job should I apply for, how to write a perfect job resume, or is my grade points enough to go for a masters program. The endless worries one human-being has. 

One of the joys of life, graduation; although this is not my official convocation, but results is out and ima proud psychology fresh graduate student with a second upper class honors! :D

Things I'll miss most; my friends. Wouldn't have been able to get this far without all of them!
I'll continue this post with pictures @ Graduation dinner


Spring King & Queen nominees 

Ms. Woo 

Ms. Elaine & her baby Dylan 

Muh girls <3 

Attendees :) 

 Psychology Family Batch 10 for 3 years & our lecturers 


 This is us <3






Mwah :)


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Tuesday, February 7, 2012 . 3:19 PM
Story of my life


I don't need a parachute
You don't need to ask if I'm okay
I can look after myself
We've been walking for hours now
My feet are starting to itch
Blisters crack all over my skin
And my shoes don't even fit.

I'm so sorry for the pain,
Sorry for the aches,
Sorry for the moods I'm swinging.
But I don't need your hand,
I don't need your heart,
I don't need a parachute.

I have tried to carry you
As far as I can go but I'm not strong
Enough to do this on my own
I pack my bags to leave this town
Cause I'm not welcome back here any more
Upon these shores

I'm so sorry for the greed,
Sorry for the hate,
Sorry for the mess I left you
But I don't want it back
I don't need it back
I don't need a parachute.

Oh, may the love that we share come alive tonight
And may the love that we share come alive tonight

- Parachutes by Charlie Simpson


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Monday, January 23, 2012 . 1:32 PM
Happy Chinese New Year

Now it's time for the Chinese to celebrate their new year, where red packets are little envelops of joy for the youngs and the unmarried.

I'm now on the road heading to my parents' hometown, Ipoh.

Will blog about the new year when I get back.

In the meantime, lotsa luck in gambling my Chinese friends!

GONG HEI FATT CHOI!

#nowplaying Charlie Simpson - Parachute


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Saturday, January 21, 2012 . 2:12 PM
Annoyed

Know your boundaries. 
I'm not anyone to you, stop treating me like I need to report everything and respond to anything you said. You're just setting the light on the pathway for me to walk AWAY from you.

#annoyedashell


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Thursday, January 19, 2012 . 7:14 PM
Pull some strength, to carry on


I've been walking down these streets alone, twenty-four years of mindless games and I still can't find home. 
I've been trying to find Jesus... He's the only one who can save me from myself. 

Oh my lord I need a friend tonight 
Oh my lord I need someone to help me through 
Oh my lord I need a friend tonight 

I'm so sick and tired of all this bullshit politics, I don't know if I'm coming or going, It's hard to keep hold of my wits. 
I don't remember your face, the rain is about to freeze. Clouds in the sky are drawing over me and it's pulling me down to my knees. 

Oh my lord I need a friend tonight 
Oh my lord I need someone to help me through 
Oh my lord I need a friend tonight 

- Charlie Simpson; I Need a Friend Tonight


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Thursday, January 5, 2012 . 7:05 PM
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012!

Waking up on the first sunny morning of 2012.. such a blessing.
Btw, Wishing you all a Happy New Year!

I celebrated my new years having lotsa tequila / vodka shots and jagerbombs as my very few first drinks of the year! That's to another crazy year ahead!
(Looking forward to my own graduation too!)

Had a crazy party with the party people. So glad I knew them, one of the best things that happened in 2011.
 Those happy colours up the ceiling

Zetty rented the helium tank @ RM220+ However they needed a deposit of RM400. So that makes it RM620+ 

That's not all. 

 deejay set.

Even had garnishing on top! 

Food that night: Angel-hair Bolognese and  Nasi Lemak!

Syafiq's Macarons @ RM2.50 each! (good deal!) 

Zetty said the glow sticks are to make our party look a lil more "feng tao" (headbanging?) LOL 


Pretentious DJ BOODAH (buddha) because of his glow sticks earrings. 

 Shin Yin

 Irwan & his Audi glowsticks pants

DJ Blue! 

 Jagerbomb anyone?

 And we say CHEERS!

Attempting my helium balloon squeaky voice. 






 Drunk Michelle beside meh.


 Glowstick chain FTW!

 *blush


Oh this is me eating nasi lemak drunk @ about 3am.
Nasi lemak tastes extra nice at that time hahahah.

Anyhoo, 
CHEERS TO A NEW YEAR Y'ALL!!


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